Last night, we moved in to our new house. At last, I can sleep in my own room and enjoy the privacy that I’ve long been wanted since the first day I arrived here in Manila. I got excited with the idea of living in a house that you can call your own. And so, when I finally got to live in the townhouse which my sister, my aunt and my uncle pay the rent, the idea that has been playing in my mind was not the way I expected it to be. The situation has given me some realizations, that indeed, starting over is quite a hardest thing to do.
Starting over is like moving in to a new house— with no furniture, no appliances, none whatsoever. You find the house empty and you have no choice but to furnish it with things that you need to call it a “house” and eventually… home. Some may see it as an adventure, but others consider it despair. Finding the house empty may give us also a feeling of emptiness within ourselves. There is something lacking. We sometimes dig deep those instances that give emptiness to us and we try with all our might to fill that emptiness so that we could face the day with optimism. No matter how we tell ourselves that we can handle the situation, loneliness still encumbers us. And despite moving in, something is hindering us to move on.
I have moved in already. Still, the house is empty. But not quite. I still find myself happy with few things around. I reckon that in life, we don’t need much. We need enough. The essential thing is, the house gives us a secure shelter that we need. So far, it does, and it makes me sleep soundly at night. Not just that I moved in to a new house. I moved in to a new job, but at times I long for something more, and that made me realize that being a teacher is the most exciting job in the world. Again, I know that it is not too late. I can still get back. But having a new job in the most unlikely environment thrills me. When I was still in the province, I swore, together with my friend, that we would never find ourselves working in Manila. Manila is the least of the places where we set our foot on. Then again, destiny always finds its way to bend or break our pronouncements. And here I am, working in a big city, for a government agency. Not that I brag, but I consider myself lucky with all the opportunities that arrive. At times when I feel that I am about to give up, I think of other people who are dying to get employment these days but to no avail because of the crisis. But me, I don’t need to pass through a narrow door just to have a job. It overwhelms me actually. I know, with all these blessings bestowed upon me, God lets me feel that I am loved. And along with that, He reminds me always to have confidence in His love for me.
Right now, I am beginning to love my job. Not that I enjoy it, but it is a job where I am good at. And I have no choice but to love it. It’s not a regular one, but somehow, my life doesn’t get boring. I encounter new faces and so far, the people whom I meet have been so good to me. The nature of my work opens my horizon especially with my notion about the government. With my job as a Junior Technical Staff at the Development Academy of the Philippines, I find out that there is still an agency that caters for our country’s development by providing the government its needed policies and projects in order to make it productive. Although my work does not relate to my discipline that is, creative writing, it makes me learn many things regarding our society. Somehow my job helps me grow as a person. And Manila is like just any other places where I have been. She may be cruel at first, but in the end, it is the person who always wins.
Have I moved on? I have. Since I moved in. I keep my friends despite the possibility that I might lose them. But it is fine with me. They may have forgotten me, but still, I know who will become my “real” friends. It is not about keeping in touch with one another, but the feeling that, beyond distance, I know that they are there reaching out for me, and perhaps, praying for me. And that is important. Now, I don’t succumb to nostalgia anymore because I have kept home in my heart already.
All I have to do is to move on. Since I have moved in.