#Confession: 9 questions one never dared (or shy) to ask

In coming to terms with myself, one step would be to honestly confront those questions that friends and family members (I guess) never dared to ask.  Here are the ten unnerving queries from ask.fm (sent by anonymous askers) which I would try to elucidate.

ask1

“My best childhood memory would be an event spent in Casay.  I love Casay and despite being distant from her since my family moved to San Jose (the capital town of Antique where my Mama worked as a nurse there) when I was a kid, I always looked forward to come home.  I couldn’t forget the moments when I and my friends would play games such as entren, tumba-patis, balay-balay and even go to the beach to swim especially during May.  Best times of my life.  There were no cellphones and no internet during that time, so we really enjoyed the companionship and the bonding we had back then.”

ask2

“I’m a very patient person, actually. I am slow to anger. But when I do get angry, it’s really difficult for me to express it.  I either shut myself up or throw things at people (no, really). Yes. What angers me the most, hmm, I guess people who cannot and do not fulfill their promises.”

ask4

“Of course. I’m only human and whenever I encounter trials which seem to have no solution, my initial reaction would be to ask God why.  There are several instances when I blamed God, and for me I think it’s just normal.  Despite everything, those trials and the occasional blaming would make you realize that He always answers our prayers. We must only be patient.”

ask5

“I must say that reaching 30 (I’m turning 33 this August by the way) is the most crucial point of my life right now.  It just feels like I’m in the middle of forking paths where my decisions could either make or break me.  At present, being alone in Manila has taught me the value of independence and trust, not only in my self but in other people as well.  It’s really difficult to survive in this concrete jungle, but most of the time, I surprise myself for being such a trooper. I can always get by despite the stress and the depression.  Well, considering whether a circumstance is crucial or not is a matter of positivity.  I always believe in what Peter Pan said, that if you think of all the good things that happen in your life, you can fly. That’s why whenever I reach a crucial point in my life,  I think of home, of people that are important to me.”

ask6

“Haha. Now, that’s a difficult question to answer. What I can only tell you is that, I have significant moments with Mama and Papa.  Growing up, my sister and I were never found wanting in terms of love and care by our parents.  We’re not rich, but surely Mama and Papa assured us that we have everything we need.  My love for both my parents is equal.  But, but, but, as I grew into maturity, I realized that I’m more of a Mama’s boy. Well, up until now, I can sleep beside my mother (or is it just a child’s instinct?) and can easily ask for money when I ran short of dough here in Manila or ask her to pasaload. I can still ask Papa though, but we seldom talk a lot. Mind you, my parents are the best in the world.”

ask8

“Ugh. Boring as fuck.  These things, writing, painting, and singing make up my identity. I love the arts ever since I was little.  So if I do not write, paint, or sing, I’d rather be dead. True.”

ask7

Oo naman. Pero that adjectival phrase “too much”, I don’t think so. I cried because of loving someone. Yes. Well, recently I did. After a year of riding the roller coaster of emotions, I had to alight. It was difficult because you invested your feelings on that person, but when trust is put  in question, love would really batter the hell out of you. It’s okay to cry.  As Pope Francis said, when you cry because of someone, you are a Christian. I cried several times because of that person and despite the effort to make things okay, well, spoiled beans have been spilled already and there’s no way that we can get back together.  I cannot cry for the rest of my life, you know, so despite the struggle, I have to move on.”

ask3

“Let me tell you my sexual orientation and gender identity. I am attracted to both women and men. Hence, I’m bisexual, and that’s my sexual orientation.  I am male, that’s my gender identity, and I express myself as male.  I dress and behave in a masculine manner. I hate being called discreet because what you see is what you get. I don’t need to pretend masculine-ly just to belong and I can adapt to both male and female groups.  And yes, I am comfortable being with the LGBT group as well.  But really, who cares about gender nowadays?”

ask10

“I can’t tell you exactly.  Bata pa ako, I knew I was different.  Different in a sense that I was self-effacing, domesticated, and yes attracted to guys.  Honestly, I was bullied because of that, the usual gay child experience getting teased by playmates.  Why would there be a need to come out when people judged you already?  As I grew up, it became more of an internal struggle. I really didn’t care about what people have to say about who I am.  I struggled to come to terms with myself. I knew I was gay, but I couldn’t get myself to be gay. I knew I was attracted to guys, but at the same time, I was also attracted to girls. Period of confusion, I know.  It was difficult for me to really point out what I really am in terms of sexual orientation.  I settled with the so-called “non-practicing homosexuality” (if there is such a term).  Fast forward Manila.  My stay here has greatly widened my horizon.  I could say that I have found myself here.  Lots of discoveries, that, as I said, helped me to come to terms with myself especially when it comes to coming out.  I met people.  I met somebody, which became an important instrument in knowing who I am.  Who allowed me to jump off the cliff.  Who became the answer to my question- “Are you gay?”.  And perhaps by now you already know the answer.   No need for a detailed narrative. Autobiography is on its way. Chos.”

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